Mobile Devices the Best Babysitters, Study Confirms
A study proves that using smartphones as babysitters is legit. Kids turn into hypnotized zombies, free from whining. Parents, rejoice! No guilt, just good coffee.
WASHINGTON, DC — A research paper released Thursday by the Information Technology and Innovation Foundation (ITIF) provided empirical proof confirming that shoving a smartphone in your child’s face is a totally legitimate parenting strategy.
The study, titled "The Impact of Screen Time on Mental Well-Being: An Investigation into Cognitive and Emotional Responses," tracked 283 parents with self-reported high stress levels as well as their offspring over a 12-week period, which found evidence supporting the hypothesis that mobile devices are, like, the most cost-effective babysitters ever.
Researchers reported observing the ability of tablets to turn demanding toddlers into hypnotized zombies that exhibited unprecedented levels of absorption, which meant you don't have to listen to whining or build another goddamn block tower.
This also allows children between one and three years' old to get a head start on the skills needed for a future in endless scrolling or online trolling, according to the study.
Further, the technical paper found that online games and chatrooms are way less stressful than physical environments such as classrooms and playgrounds. This suggests you can forget about that "social development" nonsense -- no bullies, no sharing, and parents don't even have to change out of their pajamas.
“Children growing up in a digital age quickly internalize the notion that boredom is their adversary," said Evelyn Chang, a principal researcher at the ITIF. “Fortunately, our research found that there's always an app to whisk them away from those moments of existential dread, giving their guardians enough time to see The Night Agent, a propulsive action thriller that has been on my watch list forever."
While parents may initially feel a twinge of culpability, the study observed that 82% of its participants felt that guilt fades fast when they finally get to drink a hot cup of coffee -- none of that instant shit because they now got time to steep those ground beans, bitch.
Chang concluded, "Many of these kids' guardians in the study were understandably apprehensive about nurturing a cohort of digital addicts. But they shouldn't worry, as our actions inadvertently confer a benefit upon the next generation."
"The world they're inheriting is a dumpster fire. Our data shows they may as well be prepared to tune it out," the researcher said as she leisurely took sips of her freshly brewed caffeinated drink.
