How to Write a Cover Letter That's a Cry for Help But in a Fun, Quirky Way

The ultimate guide to crafting a desperate cover letter that leaves hiring managers wondering if you're okay

Job hunting often feels like playing chess with an octopus. You meticulously craft your resume, polish your LinkedIn profile, and then comes the pièce de résistance: the cover letter.

But what if your cover letter isn't just a bland introduction? What if it's secretly a cry for help? It's an urgent plea etched in the frantic tapping of your fingers on the keyboard. Let's explore the murky depths together.

The subtle hues of desperation

Your cover letter's color scheme speaks volumes. While black ink on white paper screams "I'm a professional," blue ink on white paper whispers, "I've been staring at this document for hours, my soul is slowly leaking out, and I'm running low on coffee filters." It's the subtle touch that says you're applying for a reason to keep going and maybe replenish your coffee supply.

The font choice: Helvetica or Helvetica Neue?

Fonts, the unsung heroes of emotional expression. Helvetica says you're confident, straightforward, and own a minimalist Ikea furniture piece. But Helvetica Neue? That's the font of someone who's googled "existential crisis" while clutching an old prescription bottle. It's the typeface equivalent of standing in the rain, staring at your reflection in a puddle, and whispering, "Is this all there is?"

Opening lines that make you question reality

Dear Hiring Manager, I'm writing to express my interest in the [Job Title] position at [Company Name]." That's code for "I'm writing to express my interest in not spiraling into existential dread and would be delighted to discuss the potential of telecommuting." When you follow it up with, "I believe my skills align perfectly with your company's mission," what you're really saying is, "I believe my experience aligns perfectly with the void that consumes us all when we're not chained to creating PowerPoint presentations."

The signature: Sincerely or Sincerely Yours?

Choosing between "Sincerely" and "Sincerely Yours" is like choosing between a life raft and a sinking ship. "Sincerely" is the life raft. It keeps you afloat, but you're still lost at sea, surrounded by sharks with MBA degrees. "Sincerely Yours" is the sinking ship. It's poetic, dramatic, and slightly unhinged. It's the signature of someone who's one bad interview away from writing a manifesto about office supply theft. It also reflects the futility of logging your hours on Workday.

PS: I'm fine, thanks for asking

Don't forget the postscript. It's where you slip in your true feelings. "PS: I'd like to discuss how my skills can help your team" translates to "PS: I expect talking about the finite nature of our existence over lukewarm coffee in your break room." What you really mean is, "Feel free to reach out anytime. I'll be here, staring at my phone and waiting anxiously for your call."

Your cover letter is a cry for help disguised as professionalism. Next time you're crafting one, ask yourself: Is this another document? Or is it a plea for someone to notice you exist? ■