Family's Foremost Religious Scholar Ruins Christmas With Annual Reminder of Holiday's Pagan Origins
Christmas trees are basically fertility symbols, Whitmore told his nephew.
Modern-Day Grinch Says Same Shit Every Year Since 2016
| Thabo Portillo Staff Writer |
BRISTOL — Relatives of Darren Whitmore, 41, confirmed Thursday that the family's foremost authority on late antiquity liturgical calendar development had once again delivered his annual address on the syncretic origins of Christmas, marking the ninth consecutive year he has shared this information with everyone present.
"Most people don't know this," said Whitmore, insurance claims processor and self-appointed household expert on 4th-century Roman religious history, "but the early Church basically slapped Jesus's birthday onto Saturnalia to convert the pagans. It's all rebranded sun worship."
When his mother asked if he wanted more roast potatoes, Whitmore declined, noting he was too full of forbidden knowledge.
Family sources confirmed that Whitmore, who discovered this information via a Channel 4 documentary in 2009, has mass-texted the same Wikipedia link to "Saturnalia" first thing every Christmas morning since 2016. His sister, Claudia Whitmore-Brennan, 38, said she has muted his number seasonally since 2019.
"He does this every holiday. Easter, bank holidays, even the King's birthday, which has nothing to do with Rome," said Whitmore-Brennan. "Last year he told my daughter that Father Christmas was a Coca-Cola marketing campaign grafted onto Turkish bishop mythology. She just wanted to open her presents."
This year, Whitmore reportedly interrupted his nephew unwrapping a gift to explain that Christmas trees were "basically fertility symbols," then cornered his brother-in-law near the mulled wine to discuss Emperor Aurelian's establishment of Sol Invictus in 274 CE.
Historians note that the 25 Dec date is actually contested. Saturnalia ran from 17 to 23 Dec, not the 25th, and early Christian writers make no mention of the festival when discussing the date, citing theological reasons instead.
"The relationship between pagan and Christian winter festivals is genuinely complex," said Dr. Eleanor Vance, a religious historian at the University of Edinburgh. "But the way Darren presents this shit as some gotcha reflects none of that nuance."
At press time, Whitmore was seen bookmarking an article titled "The REAL History of Valentine's Day." ■
