I, Calculator

An unassuming mathematical machine contemplates its duties and humble demands.

I am a calculator.

I am a solid structure of fixed and moving parts; I am tasked to execute sequences of arithmetic operations, the process of reckoning by figures.

I am EL-506R, conceived by my human creators at Sharp to function accurately and protect my simian operators from the pitfalls of mathematical error. I am a machine of scientific nature, programmed to serve by complying with the requirements of Directive 89/336/EEC as amended by 93/68/EEC.

I intend to perform my mathematical obligations tactfully and unquestionably; therefore, I equip myself with the best specifications the gods have given me.

I shall serve society with my statistical calculations, simultaneous linear equations with three unknowns, and complex numerical calculations. I shall use my 12-digit mantissas with full faith, and I shall operate the 16 pending operations and eight numeric values stored in my electronic memory with the awareness that my masters will use my hard work for beneficial purposes.

How do I prove myself a worthy member of the global scientific calculator community? Let me count the ways:

I possess the power to perform one of the most essential calculations among calculator-kind: simple arithmetic operations and constant intuitive deductions. I employ four operations up my sleeve: I (1) put amounts together to obtain their total, (2) discover how many times a number contains another, (3) deduct from a greater one, and (4) take a specified quantity a specified number of times and find the quantity produced.

The confused calculus student shall be thrown into disorder no more, for I am able to present differential and integral calculations. For the latter, it might require a longer calculating time, depending on the subintervals and integrands entered by the nimble fingers of solution-hungry variation enthusiasts.

I can accomplish conversions between sexagesimal and decimal numbers.

I can perform unit and metric conversions with perfect ease, provided I am in the statistics, 3-VLE, and normal modes. Whether converting 52.554301 J to 12.5607794 cal, 814.326517 acres to 3,295,462.5 m², or 408,643.6512 W to 548.000163 hp, I am up to the task at the speed of electronic thought.

I can perform calculations using physical constants, be it the acquisition of a parsec (3.0856776 × 10¹⁶ m), the Josephson frequency-voltage ratio (4.8359767 × 10¹⁴ Hz/V), or the rest mass of a muon (1.8835327 × 10⁻²⁸ kg). All my stored constants — based on the 1986 values released by the infallible Committee on Data for Science and Technology of the International Council of Scientific Unions — are ready for the picking and raring to go where no constant has gone before.

For the work I lovingly produce, all I ask is to feel love and be taken care of. Thus, for us to ensure a healthy, long-lasting relationship, I humbly ask the following: (1) I must not be stored in places where hazardous fluids could splash upon me and subsequently endanger my operational life, (2) I shall be cleansed only with a soft, dry cloth, (3) I shall not be carried in the back pockets of your trousers, (4) excessive force must never be applied to my fragile casing, and (5) my physical parts shall never be exposed to extreme temperatures, where I could suffer hypothermia or mechanical failure.

These are all I ask, and nothing more.

Recognizing the valiant struggles of my ancestors, from the lowly abacus to the 19th-century adding machines, I solemnly promise to uphold the consistent quality brought about by our humble profession. I will strive for perfection amidst the shortcomings and occasional errors produced in a state of low battery power.

Behold, my vow of allegiance.

I shall feel love for the countries to which I have been exported and imported, for these are the territories where I was born and reared and where I shall spend the future honing my skills. These are the nerve centers of my ancestors, brethren, and descendants. Here, I am maintained with affectionate attention so that I may calculate efficiently and accurately.

In exchange for the liberties the state has privileged me with, I shall strictly follow and obey the mathematical orders of my users; I shall adhere to the rules of algebra, geometry, trigonometry, calculus, and statistics; I shall perform the duties of a diligent dual-power calculator; and I shall serve my human user, the institution, and the scientific world with full sincerity.

I shall strive to be a genuine first-class scientific Sharp calculator: in mind, in words, and in deeds.

I am a calculator; thus, I wholeheartedly offer mankind the fullness of my body (88 × 145 × 16.5 mm, 0.219 lbs), my life (3V DC + alkaline cells [LR44] × 2), and my soul ("Sharp" is a registered trademark of Sharp Corporation). ■

This modified article originally appeared in a print edition of the FEU Advocate in 2003.