Nation Holds Exercise in Futility

Absurd Electoral Tradition Keeps Philippine Population Pacified Since 1946

MANILA — The Philippine Commission on Elections tallied millions of electronic votes from 70% of the country's voters who exercised their right Monday to select the same families who have governed the archipelago for generations.

Data released by the commission show that the chairperson of an agency responsible for reviewing movies and TV, a woman who served as personal assistant to her politician parents for 15 years and a cousin of the country's president have all secured seats in the senate.

The commission's chairperson, Sixto Brillantes, said overseeing the systematic rigging of ballots, falsification of data in voting machines and pockets of election-related violence in remote rural precincts was "an undertaking the agency has successfully accomplished in less than 48 hours."

"We've made sure the leaders who have generously compensated this esteemed commission will be enjoying taxpayer funds for the next six years," Brillantes said. "I'd be jealous if I weren't corrupt myself."

Well over 39 million Filipinos cast ballots in 77,829 voting precincts, many believing that democratic suffrage could disrupt the firmly entrenched status quo of political dynasties and widespread graft.

Analysts confirmed that the higher-than-expected voter turnout resulted from candidates' painstaking efforts to reach constituents through catchy jingles, colorful posters displaying candidate headshots and TV advertisements edited to capture the average viewer's attention span.

Meanwhile, several diplomatic organizations have expressed enthusiasm toward the predictable outcome.

"The United States recognizes the continued commitment of Filipinos to democratic processes," a letter released by the US Embassy said. "We look forward to another six years of stable, familiar governance." ■