Disney Movie IRL: Woman Who Once Helped Turtle Cross Road Now Receives Dividend Checks From Turtle’s Hedge Fund
"He's doing better than I am," Claire Pemberton said of the turtle.
Reptile Rescued in 2019 Now Outearns Woman Who Saved His Life
Every so often, the universe has a way of rewarding those who show compassion when no one's watching, and this story absolutely proves it.
New Zealand resident Claire Pemberton reported that a loggerhead turtle she assisted across a coastal road in 2019 has been sending her quarterly profit distributions from what appears to be a highly successful investment portfolio. Yes, you read that right.
The arrangement began in February when Pemberton discovered an envelope containing NZ$520 and a handwritten note reading "Q4 earnings - thx again" wedged under her doormat. Security footage later revealed the turtle, now wearing a small briefcase strapped to its shell, making the delivery at around 3:00.
If that doesn't restore your faith in the karmic balance of the universe, we don't know what will.
"I thought it was a prank," said Pemberton, who has since received three additional payments, each bigger than the last. "But then I saw the prospectus he left in May. Apparently he's been running a reptile-only venture capital firm out of a lagoon in the Bay of Islands. Very impressive [internal rate of return]."
Tbh, we're just awed by this whole situation.
The turtle, identified by a distinctive shell marking and what witnesses describe as an unusually confident gait, has expanded operations to include a diversified portfolio of blue-chip stocks and a controlling stake in a regional kumara distribution network. Talk about pulling yourself up by your bootstraps — or, in this case, flippers!
Pemberton's husband confirmed that the couple recently received an invitation to the turtle’s yacht christening ceremony, scheduled for next month in Sydney. The invitation, delivered by a family of kiwis wearing tiny courier badges, requested the honor of their presence and indicated black-tie attire would be required.
We simply can't handle how wholesome this is.
"He’s doing better than I am, honestly," Pemberton added, reviewing the reptile's most recent financial statement. "I'm still renting, and this little guy just acquired a beachfront property in Fiji. Really makes you think about your life choices."
At press time, Pemberton reported that a tui she'd once rescued from a possum had just been appointed a board director at a major pharmaceutical company. This woman is living in a Disney movie, and we're absolutely here for it. ■
