I'm Undergoing Treatment for Cancer, Ya Malicious Wankers

The following is the full transcript of a video statement produced by BBC Studios and released by Kensington Palace on 22 March.

By Catherine, Princess of Wales

Right, listen up, you lot. Let's get this sorted, shall we?

I know the superchode members of the gutter press have been having a field day with my absence, and some of you have been chuffed to bits joining in. Well, let's draw back the curtain and get to the ugly truth, because love, you wouldn't believe the utter nightmare these last few months have been.

Remember that dodgy Mother's Day family pic everyone had a right old laugh about, the one where you utter cockwombles decided my Photoshop skills were the real crisis for Blighty? Yeah, well, turns out, I wasn't just mucking about with filters for a lark. I was desperately trying to hide the fact that I'd just gone through an abdominal surgery so invasive it left me looking like I'd gone ten rounds with Mike Tyson.

But oh, the jokes were priceless, weren't they?

Never mind that I was barely keeping it together physically, the world was more interested in how many pixels I'd bungled. And those heartwarming memes? Yeah, they were a right tonic while I was secretly facing the news that I had the big C.

Because that's what was really happening. While everyone was speculating about my whereabouts, I was getting slapped with the kind of diagnosis that makes your world come crashing down. So excuse me if I didn't have the energy to be picture-perfect for ya weapons-grade bastards with telescopic SLR cameras.

Suddenly, those spurious conspiracy theories and petty concerns about my appearance seemed like a right load of codswallop, innit?

Wills and I, we've been behind the scenes scrambling for months. Not just dealing with the medical nightmare, but figuring out how to break this to our sprogs. Imagine trying to find the words to tell your little ones that their mum might not always be there, that life has dealt them a truly rotten hand. All while battling your own terror and a body that feels like it's giving you the two-finger salute.

You lot see the pillbox hats, the posh Breton tops, but underneath it all, I'm still just a mum, a wife, someone bricking it for her future. I get the curiosity – being a public figure, it comes with the territory. But the relentless speculation, the invasion of privacy, and the sheer glee some of ya knob-jockeys took in taking the mick out of my struggles? That crossed a line. It was a masterclass in being a right bunch of bad eggs, and frankly, beneath contempt.

Now here I am, laying it all bare. Because the truth will out, won't it? While the keyboard ratbags were sniggering, I've been fighting for my life – with the love and support of my husband, who's been an absolute rock. Cheers to everyone else who showed human decency – your kindness matters more than you know.

As for the rest of you muppets: we need privacy. I'll be back to my royal duties when I'm good and ready, but first, I've got to beat this thing.

And to all those facing cancer – keep calm and carry on. You're strong, you're resilient, and you're not alone. Some of us may have crowns, but this festering binfire of a disease doesn't give a toss – it's a battle we're in together. ■

Catherine, a dedicated mother of three, is known for her elegant style and passion for photography.